NEIL HAMBURGER
Male
48 years old
cardboard box, New Mexico
United States
INTERVIEW MEDLEY:
Q :You've complained quite often about your ex-wife getting engaged to a dentist. Have you ever had the opportunity to get revenge on them for this? And have you met any girls on the road to take your mind off of your ex-wife?
Neil: The revenge is that I haven't been to a dentist in the past 5 years. I don't care if my teeth rot! I won't give those guys the satisfaction. I'll buy a pair of pliers and some plaster and fix it myself before I'll line the pockets of that profession. Girls on the road, yes, I have met a lot of them. Sometimes they will buy a Neil Hamburger button, or a magnet, or cassette. But usually they don't... So I just let them slip away into the darkness, into the night. But you know, I save money at the Motel 6. You know, they charge $6 for each additional person! I always pay the rate that's on the sign. If it says "$34.99 and up", I pay $34.99. Plus tax.
Q :What’s your opinion on gay marriage?
Neil: I think that would be just a wonderful marriage to attend if they have some sort of free food there. Because it’s very hard for me to get paid enough to eat some of these hors d’oeuvres that they have at a gay marriage. And I really do like these little crackers from England. The water… water crackers, are they called? I tried the things you might find at a gay marriage, some of the brie cheeses that are very expensive, and you fill your pockets at these so-called gay marriages, and then you sell them to people at the show, before you go on, at your merch stand, you know, half-price on these cheeses. And I would definitely like to get some fruit, because it’s good for you. You get that at the gay marriages — sliced pears, peaches, cantaloupes, watermelon — all these exotic fruits that you just can’t afford normally. Mandarin orange. All that stuff. It’s fantastic.
Q :I'd like to get your opinion on many of the hot button issues of the day. What do you think of global warming?
Neil: It's pretty hot, I'll tell you that. I woke up this morning in a sweat. To me, that's a sign that something's gone wrong around here. I've been trying to make a difference. I've brushed my teeth a lot less and that type of thing. I stole a plastic cup from one of these venues and now I use that to drink water out of. You fill it up at the sink of one of these service stations rather than buying expensive bottled water, which is depleting the planet of water. Crystal Geyser, Perrier, and people like that should be ashamed that they're scooping this water out of the streams and adding to the pollution. I just fill my cup with the water that you get out of these sinks. Anything you can do to help I think you have to do. I'd gladly give some money to help out. I don't a refrigerator, so I'm not creating a problem that way. I don't smoke cigarettes and I'm not one of these guys that's littering all over Antarctica, the North Pole, and that type of thing. I tend to throw the trash in the back seat of my car and get on with the day. There are little things you can do that'll make a real difference. And you should because, let's face it, last winter I nearly froze to death sleeping in my car. This summer, I'm waking up and the heat from my body and the air melted the Styrofoam and I had to get another piece. The winters are getting colder, the summers are getting hotter, and everything's out of control. It's a matter of time before we're all dead and that's not something you want to put on your resume.
Q :What is your opinion on the legalization of marijuana?
Neil: Oh, I don’t want to see that happen. I don’t really need more of these druggies coming to my show and, you know, stinking up the place with that. Can’t get the smell out of my suit.
Q :I flew all the way across the country to catch your recent Albuquerque show, then got to the door and found out that you'd been bumped for a bunch of local punk rock bands. Can you explained what happened here?
Neil: That has happened a lot. I think that the bands must have threatened the promoter with violence. I just don't have the strength to do that. I'm no match for a whole gang of these skinheads.
Q :I once heard you on a radio show where they were calling you the "worst comedian in the world." Is this your goal? I thought you were a serious comedian. Please explain.
Neil: I don't know what that's about. I perform 365 shows a year! The worst comedian performs none.
Q :What comedians influenced you when you were starting out?
Neil: Rich Little is great, of course...Tim Conway, Jonathan Winters. A lot of the TV sitcoms are pretty funny and have been a big influence - any of them that you can name have been a big influence on the comedy of Neil Hamburger.
Q :Why do your records come out on "indie rock" labels?
Neil: I don't really know why. But I'm glad they do, so that they can put their whole promotions department to work on just one comedian. If they had all sorts of comedians on the label, they probably wouldn't have as much time for me, or as much loyalty. This way they can really do a bang-up job. Great people.
Q :To anybody starting out in the comedy business, do you have any advice?
Neil: Please don't steal any more of my bookings. That is getting to be a real problem. Some of these new comedians are ruthless.
ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE :
When Neil Hamburger walks onto the stage, the effect is like a Thorazine cocktail. He wears a black suit, bow tie and oversize glasses. A pink carnation is tucked into his lapel, the comb-over is in full effect, and two tumblers of amber fluid are gripped perilously in the crook of his arm. His lips are pursed like a fish, and when he speaks he sounds like Burgess Meredith as the Penguin.
“Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? Because he was tired of Hall & Oates.”
Hmmm?
“Why did Michael Jackson dangle his infant son over his hotel balcony? He was punishing him for refusing to finish his plate of sperm.” [Hack throat clear hack cough HACK]
Off-camera, Ono winces. She is visibly shaken.
“Sorry, it appears I’ve been saddled with substandard material here tonight . . . Hey, c’mon, I have cancer!”
Neil's parents were from Hungary, and they changed their name to "Hamburger" because they thought it sounded Yankee.
He staggers onto the stage in a tuxedo, hair matted and streaked about his head, huge glasses sliding down his nose, the three drinks cradled in the arm that holds his microphone constantly spilling, interrupting himself with bronchial coughs and throat-clearing, all of it adding to the image of pathos, or, properly, antipathy...
His previous CDs, which include America's Funnyman, Raw Hamburger, Left for Dead in Malaysia and Inside Neil Hamburger, his exceedingly painful EP recorded in the far-off land of Australia. There, he regaled the natives with jokes like:
"Why are M&M's full of chocolate? Because it would be illegal to fill them full of shit."
Neil Hamburger most notable jokes :
"Here's my favorite.... Why did all of the members of Metallica cut their hair? It was the only way they could get the matted cum out."
"Why did Anthony Kiedis and the Red Hot Chili Peppers play a small town on the Arizona and California border? BECAUSe they love NEEDLES!"
“Why did Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have their baby in Namibia? Well, that way they had a scapegoat when the baby turns out to be retarded.”
"Why does Britney Spears sell so many millions of albums? - Because the public is horny and depressed."
One of the most popular segments of Neil's act is the bit about "What if all our favorite movies were filmed inside toilet bowls?" Lately, he's been inviting audience members to shout out movie titles. Here is latest list of movies 4 the TOILET BOWLS :
Schindler's List
The Money Pit
Speed
Raiders of the Lost Ark
On Golden Pond
The Amityville Horror
The Color Purple
